TMR: The Midwest Review

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, also known as Indy 4, was the brainchild of George Lucas, the destroyer of all things sacred, and Steven Spielberg who can do no wrong. The strange yin and yang of terribleness mixed with awesomeness brought by these two mighty creators is felt throughout this epic fourth installment of a once-dead epic franchise.

The result is a film that on the whole succeeds in being a great summertime action flick smothered in nostalgia (both for the generation that grew up with Indiana Jones in the eighties, as well as the baby-boomers who grew up in the fifties - when the events of this film take place).

Seeing it in the theater the first time I was swept up in the action and adventure and the fun of it all. It really is a fun movie. But, the second time I saw the film I was surprised and dismayed to find that behind the Spielberg-ian splendor of it all there are big, gaping, I'm-sure-Lucas-is-to-blame plot holes and other nonsense all over the damn place. Where do I even begin?

The film opens in the Nevada desert in the mid 1950's with a group of kids racing their hot-rod down the road passing a caravan of what we later discover are KGB agents on their way to infiltrate Area-51. One of the best things about this movie is how it manages to fit every single 1950's cliche into a story that has nothing to do with America in the 1950's (aside from the Soviet villains, but there's nothing particularly Russian about their villainy anyway). At any rate, they hit all the high points: hot-rods, red scares, "I like Ike", atomic bombs, greasers, UFOs, etc.
It's like the 50's is another character in the story; it's like a love-letter to the 1950's; it's like a cross between American Graffiti and The X-Files. Seriously.

So anyway, Indiana Jones is kidnapped by these Russians along with his trusty (not trusty) sidekick. Harrison Ford is about 70 years old here and he looks it, but he gets a good intro. We meet our female psychic (not psychic) Soviet villain who is trying to get Indy to find a dead alien body currently in storage at Area-51. The body was recovered at the Roswell crash site in the 1940's, and for some reason it is super magnetic. The scene with Indiana Jones following a floating trail of gunpowder to the body is pretty much the dumbest thing we've seen so far. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to notice the dozens of metal items all over the place that are not being attracted to it, or that if the lamps above bend toward the thing when it is being moved they would have been bent towards it when it was just sitting there too. Dumb.

From there shit goes bananas and Indy saves his ass from an atomic bomb by hiding in a refrigerator. This part is badass even though it makes no sense. Jump to Professor Jones back in his classroom, but not for long, as his son-he-didn't-know-he-had Mutt Williams shows up and they end up chasing after some Crystal alien Skulls in forbidden South American temples, all while on the run from the KGB chick.

Meanwhile Mutt's mom and a crazy guy who Mutt loves and thinks of as a father (even though his mom seems to have no feelings toward him) are kidnapped by the Russians as well. Indy and the boy rescue them and we discover that the lady is actually Indy's love interest from Raiders of the Lost Ark! All grown up! It's an exciting reunion, but there's no time for love as the Russians race through the jungles of the Amazon stealing the Crystal Skull from our heroes, who then steal it back, who then get it stolen again, and again. It's like an episode of Scooby-doo, with Shaggy running away holding the skull over his head and then 'yoink!' the villain pops out of a tree and snatches it back. But then a big Russian guy gets eaten by a swarm of ants.

Soon after that, Indy and family arrive at the Kingdom and put the damn Skull back where it belongs on an alien/egyptian/mayan skeleton. There are 13 alien skeletons in the temple, and now that the final skull is back in place they naturally change from a collection of crystal bones into a real live alien. The Russian chick doesn't know what's good for her and gets blown to bits by the Knowledge she learns from the aliens, who then fly away. The End.

If my synopsis makes no sense to you then I think you get what the movie is like. It's a series of spectacular action sequences strung together one after the other without a good reason. Except they're cool. Mostly. It all ends with Indiana Jones finally walking down the aisle with the girl from the first movie, and it's satisfying because it allows you to forget how silly the rest of the movie is.

Why did the KGB invade the United States just to steal the body of the Roswell alien which then never appears again? They knew that the real crystal skull was in Peru the whole time anyway.
Why does thirteen dead aliens = 1 living alien? These same thirteen skeletons were just sitting there when the skull was first stolen five-hundred years ago. Why not fly home before then?

This is a movie you will buy on dvd because you remember how great you thought it was in theaters, or you just want to complete your Indiana Jones collection; and you bring it home and get halfway through and realize you never want to see it again; so it ends up on your shelf behind the original trilogy; right next to your copy of Attack of the Clones.

Final score: 7.5